Wow, have really been writing some shit of late. Completely self-indulgent and boring wank. Am censoring myself for the next couple of days while I deal with a few "issues", mainly mentally ill mother. It's not fun for anyone involved and am probably better off taking a break while I sort it out. Sometimes actions are the anti-dote and words just get in the way.

On change

One of the reasons I didn't go back to Sydney after my trip was that I felt myself go through such massive changes over there, the thought of just stepping back into my old world and the rut that I had created would have been almost disrespectful to the process I had gone through while travelling. Latin America shredded me. Totally dissolved all the protective layers I had built up around myself living in that city and having the experiences I had. It was about 6 weeks into my trip when I felt myself just basically fall apart and be completely vulnerable for the first time in years. It was awesome. Like I woke up.

Now, I'm treading water in lots of aspects of my life. Not that I am waiting for anything to happen, I've just returned to the centre. I lived so far one way for so long, then went so far the other way when I was overseas and now, well, I'm back to the middle and it's a place I don't know that well.

But as we all know, the only thing constant is change.

It's hard not to run away isn't it. I've been doing it for years. Quitting jobs, breaking up with boyfriends, moving house, never owning anything for fear that it will slow me down. Well this time I don't think I am going to run away. I want to change my ways and I'm working on it bit by bit.

Speaking of change, I'm going to change the music and have a cup of tea outside on the back step. It's a beautiful night out there.

In Pursuit of Perfection

It’s another beautiful day in paradise. Am getting psyched for summer and going to the beach every day straight from work and baking the shit out of myself. I want to become really leathery and wrinkly and put all those Botox Bitches to shame. I know sunbaking is bad and kills you but sometimes things that are bad are fun and feel good so they win.

Listening to lots of music and just can’t seem to get enough of it. I feel like a sponge, just wanting to soak myself night and day from the moment I wake up til the moment I go to bed. The thing about me and music is that I feel like I have spent most of my life listening to as much music as I can just in case I miss hearing the perfect song. I sometimes think “What if there is a song out there that is the best song ever and I never get to hear it?” My little bro once wrote about the Perfect Song on his blog and this is what he said when he found it at age 17.

“This is the song I wish I had written. It is the most beautiful and emotion-invoking song I have ever heard. I want to die to this song, and I want it played at my funeral. I want this song embedded in me, tattooed onto my skin and my heart and my soul. It sends shivers down my spine and puts tears in my eyes every single time I hear it. Everyone in the world should somehow own this song, because once you hear it, you will understand. The melodies, the harmonies, the passion, everything about it stuns me. I would marry this song if it were a woman. If I had written this song, I could live the rest of my life just being satisfied with myself. This song makes me want to cry, laugh, scream, destroy and create all at once. It is my perfect song. I am too enrapt in this song to even think about a good/bad list today. Sorry, go listen to the song and you'll understand."

Unfortunately I am unable to name the song or artist in order to protect my brother's rep. I loved what he wrote though. It was super dramatic.

First day of Spring - review

Was pretty pumped up for the first day of spring. Had great expectations. Lets see how it stacked up.

Morning: Got to work on time. Miracle. Sun shining. Tunes blaring in ears during walk to bus stop. Lack of public transport action was a let down. Coffee was awesome but took ages to kick in due to late night last night.

Mid morning: socialising with work mates. Everyone happy. Good springy vibe in the air.

Lunch: 2 hours with Lady Crocker overlooking the harbour celebrating her new job and the fact that she is moving back to Sydney. One less Newie friend brings total to 3. Mental note to make Newie friends where possible. Worked on tan. Drank a beer in the sun.

Mid afternoon: Busy busy busy. Listened to the Gifthorse on work PC speakers. Office was pumped up.

5pm: wines and snack platters = good times. Stars came out to say hello. Wine was awesome. Pined for Haymaker all the while.

11pm: Home. Chilly. Still wearing pyjamas to bed = not summer yet so don't get ahead of yourself. Found new freckle under my left eye that wasn't there before. Tried to wash it off. Skin cancer? Big work meeting tomorrow with boss re: big event. Will pretend to be interested while plotting escape plans. Very tired. Stop blogging and go to bed Tatey!